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Archive for April, 2013

Which is to say that this is going to be another post about my ongoing battle with productivity and all the things I’m trying to do to combat my own laziness.

I am very good at making plans, but very poor at keeping them. As you’ve probably noticed with my many (many) productivity posts on here. About every other week I’m resolving to do more to work on something each day, be it writing or blogging or watching movies. (Though I’ve done pretty damn well on the whole blogging thing, if I do say so myself.)

So yesterday, I again decided to turn over a new leaf in writing land and actually work on my projects instead of just deciding that I’ve not got time today, I’ll do it tomorrow.

Three guesses how much writing I’ve gotten done today.

In fairness, I did have some errands to run this afternoon, which kept me out of the house for a couple of hours this afternoon. But all that between time has been used for really silly, frivolous stuff. Refreshing Tumblr. Playing this cute but ridiculously addictive My Little Pony game on my phone. Watching Doctor Who. Watching YouTube videos. Generally faffing around and being useless. I haven’t looked at a notebook or word processor. I haven’t cracked open a book or thought about watching a movie. I didn’t even start writing this blog post until nearly 8pm.

In short, I feel pretty useless. I keep telling myself that things will be different tomorrow, but of course they aren’t going to be different if I don’t do something to make them different. Otherwise it’s just the same dull routine every day, where nothing gets done and I get down on myself for it, which makes me feel worse, which makes me feel even more unmotivated the next day, and hey guess what, nothing continues to get done.

It’s a terrible cycle that I can’t seem to break and I don’t know how to break. Though I suppose I could start by not hating myself every time I don’t tick of everything on my to do list. It’s just a matter of baby steps and all that, and maybe at some point I’ll get it all sorted. I don’t know.

I don’t know a lot of things, it seems like. But I suppose striking out, however blindly, is better than just sitting around and doing nothing.

(85/260)

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More Whinging

Just so you know what you’re getting into this time around. (more…)

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00

I really need to work on my sleep. I can’t remember what time I went to bed last night, but I woke up at very nearly noon this morning. This afternoon. Today. I mean, in fairness, I was having a fascinating dream that involved Pokemon and then Tony Stark and I am still not sure what was happening, but it was pretty interesting. But I need to work on my sleep. If only I could figure out how to work on it. It’s confusing, because I’m not having trouble sleeping or getting to sleep, just… sleeping at the right times.

01

I am going to attempt to prevent this from turning into another complaining fest, like the last two entries. I make no guarantees. I did three things yesterday, and some other extracurricular stuff as well. Like I chopped up vegetables for something for the first time, that was nice. And I wrote and blogged (however cantankerously) and I watched a movie, though it wasn’t a new movie. I did things. I should be proud of that, but instead I keep focusing on what I didn’t get done instead, which is very slightly distressing. I have high hopes for today, though.

02

At some point I will overcome the hugeness of everything I want to get done and actually accomplish things. I don’t know when or how that will happen, since I have to figure out how first of everything, and unfortunately there isn’t a guidebook for this sort of thing. I will write that novel and finish those fanfics and fold a thousand paper cranes, and it will be easy because I know what I’m doing. I mean, everyone else seems to know, but no one gave me the bloody handbook. Also “seems” is probably a highly operative word there.  Probably.

03

Sometimes I’m torn between the fact that I’m writing something and the fact that what I’m writing isn’t what I want to be working on. Because the words are coming, aren’t they? And I should be happy about that, but all I can think about is how I should be working on the novel or the big fanfics instead, and then I sort of push all that to the side because at least I am writing, right? And that’s a good thing? But I’m never going to get anywhere if I keep getting distracted on the road to actual accomplishments.

04

Reading books and watching movies shouldn’t be so hard for me. It really shouldn’t. But these days I am loath to pick up another book even though I’m pretty sure I should, and I always find excuses of time to not watch a movie, even though, as established yesterday, the internet is not going anywhere while I read or watch, and I can catch up more quickly than it would take the experience every post in real time. There are so many advantages to taking big portions than constant nibbles. At least in the world of internet usage, I guess.

05

I need to tidy my room. I need to go check on my laundry in the wash. I need to pick a book to read. I need to decide on a movie to watch. I need to write, though I don’t know what. I need to fold some paper cranes, and do some math to figure out the road to one thousand. I need to exercise. I need to walk on the treadmill. I need to probably phone and ask what’s on for dinner tonight. I need to relax, but I can’t with all this other stuff weighing on me.

06

I need to find a job. Which is the biggest, weighing-est thing out of them all. That last resolution, tacked on like an afterthought, and meanwhile in two and a half weeks it’s my one-year anniversary of being an unemployed college graduate. Fat lot of good that freaking diploma’s done me, though that’s really my fault for hiding in my room instead of looking for work. The big problem is I don’t know what to look for, and I am not going near fast food, and retail is terrifying and involves people, so I just hide in my room instead.

07

I said I wasn’t going to turn this into a complaining fest, but I’ve got a lot on my mind these days. It’s a whole host of things I want to get done but keep on not doing and I really hate myself for that, because I feel like I should have it all together somehow, even though I haven’t got the slightest clue what I’m supposed to do. Are you sure there wasn’t a manual everyone else got? A seminar everyone else attended? Special classes or parties I was never invited to? Because I don’t know what to do.

(83/260)

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Still Clueless

What else is new. I wish I had something interesting to write about, but I really don’t. I don’t feel like book reviews or movie reviews or television reviews are coming to me right now, even though I’ve just finished a book, a movie, and a television show all within the last forty-eight hours or so. But I don’t feel like writing about those.

I don’t know how to keep moving forward. I don’t know how to budget my time. And I realize that I am writing two consecutive blog posts about the same thing, but I don’t particularly care? I mean, I’m pretty sure that next to no one reads this stuff (my Doctor Who posts get more traffic than my regular posts), so I can carry on however I like.

I want to figure this out. I want to get in the habit of doing things every day. I want to feel accomplished about what I do. I want to feel like I’m actually Getting Stuff Done like normal people do.

I suppose my primary problem is I don’t know where to start. I mean, I am sitting here doing the writing thing right now, but I know when I’m done I’ll just wander back to Tumblr and refresh it twenty times in as many minutes, because I’m desperate for a new distraction. I won’t pop in a movie, I won’t pick up a book, I won’t rearrange the furniture and exercise on the Wii. I will get back online and go to the same place twice and thrice in the hopes of there being a new piece of content for my brain to consume like so much junk food. I will get nothing done.

I can’t seem to convince my brain that the internet is not going anywhere, that I won’t miss anything I can’t catch up on later. At the same time, it’s hard to convince myself that it’s less time-consuming to go through fifteen pages of Tumblr posts and reblog what I like than reblog those same things in realtime. Which puts us back on square one of not knowing what to do, and hey guess what I’m still hating myself.

I don’t know how to do better is the problem. I don’t know how to organize my life. And meanwhile it seems like everyone around me has a better idea of what they’re doing, and I’m drifting, useless and lost and confused, and I can’t figure out how to reach them and be like them.

But maybe today’s the start again. Fresh starts are fresh starts, even if you have to have one every other day for a month. You get there eventually, right?

…then again, Sisyphus probably felt the same way.

(82/260)

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Another Off Day

I didn’t actually write a blog post yesterday, so this is me writing the post I would have done yesterday. Except I didn’t have anything in particular planned, so I guess I’m just going to ramble for a few hundred words and leave it at that.

I always hate trying to get into the habit of accomplishing things on a daily basis. Like, Sunday, I did everything I wanted to do that day–I wrote and blogged and exercised (for the first time in weeks) and read and even watched a movie. I did, to use the internet vernacular, all of the things. I was proud of myself. I was sure I could keep it up the next day.

And then the next day came and I did none of those things. Absolutely none of them. Instead I spent time messing around on the internet. I watched a stream of the Broadchurch finale instead of just waiting for it to show up online. I spent like an hour chatting amiably with my siblings, which I guess isn’t a bad thing, but still. I spent another hour doing all of the dishes because I was bored and I felt like it. I made brownies. I did everything except what I wanted to do, and I went to sleep hating myself for it.

I don’t know how to get into the habit of doing things. It would help if I had a daily schedule, but I don’t know how I would get that to work, since I wake up at a different (but nevertheless incredibly late) time every day, and I’ve got therapy appointments to work around now, and just the general mess of life that I can’t just do the same thing at the same time every day. There are too many variables. And I should be able to work around this but instead I just sit around, fucking around on Tumblr, telling myself I should really write a blog post or whatever but never actually freaking DOING anything.

And I hate myself for, and I don’t know what to do, and I don’t know how to fix this and become a functional human being who accomplishes basic things on a daily basis. If you have any tips, I’m all freaking ears, believe me.

Until then, I guess I’m just going to hate myself every few days. What fun.

(81/260)

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I don’t really quite know what to say about “Cold War.” I think it’s a pretty good Doctor Who adventure, and it’s nice to see the revival of another Classic Who monster with the Ice Warriors. Set in a Soviet submarine in 1983, the story is defined in a way by the “war” it takes its title from–mutually assured destruction and all that. The submarine setting also allows the menace of the monster to be all the more potent, because it’s such a small space, but nevertheless a space with lots and lots of hiding places.

This episode is written by Mark Gatiss, who has something of a hit-and-miss track record on Doctor Who. My favorite episode of his remains Series 1’s “The Unquiet Dead”; many of his others are good in some respects, but fall flat in others. I think “Cold War” is the best he’s given us in a very long while. He utilizes the setting in highly effective ways, and that’s definitely one of the departments where this episode shines. The supporting characters are interesting (I really, really loved David Warner’s professor character), and add some layers of internal conflict to the fight against the Ice Warrior. My only real beef is the ultimate resolution felt like a deus ex machina more than anything–I would have preferred for everything to have been sorted out before the Martians arrived and beamed Skaldak up (and pulled the stranded sub up to the surface).

Of course, once again I really feel like focusing on Clara, because this is only her third episode and she just keeps getting better defined and more interesting. I really was expecting a lot of internal resistance to her on my part (especially since I spend around a year in real time with the Ponds), but it’s honestly felt like she’s been around for ages, like she’s already our friend. It was really great to see her scared and vulnerable in this episode, to see her sort of realizing the kinds of things she has to deal with while traveling with the Doctor. (In “Bells” and “Rings” both, no one has really died at all, which is pretty exceptional as far as Doctor Who as a whole is concerned.) We also get to see once again how she’s different from those who came before her–when the Doctor tells her not to wander off, she stays put.

As I said before, I don’t really have a whole lot to write about this episode. It was solid stuff, and I have to honestly say that Series 7 has been absolutely fantastic. None of the episodes have been real duds, and that’s just fantastic for me as a viewer, because that means everything is fun and enjoyable to rewatch, which is one of the things I really like to do with my favorite shows.

(80/260)

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I realize that today is supposed to be Topics in Doctor Who day, but the next thing up on  my docket is a post about River Song, and… quite frankly that’s probably going to take a couple of weeks to put together.  It’s not that I love River a lot (though I do) so much as it’s the fandom that hates her a lot.  So I’ll probably stop off on the Topics posts until I get that one written, or I might find something else to post in the interim.

I haven’t got much to report today, honestly.  There are some small things I could write about, I suppose.  I saw Jurassic Park in 3D last night, which was mostly okay but not great.  Like, I love the movie, but the conversion to 3D wasn’t great in some parts, and I really feel like it ruined some of the shot compositions.  Usually the scenes with selective focus on the background (with the foreground out of focus) were the hardest hit, because the camera’s telling us to watch the thing in the background, but the 3D is telling us to watch the thing in the foreground.  It got distracting at times, and I think for the future I’m going to invest in a pair of 2D Glasses for my movies.  At least the 3D ones, anyway.

I also made a couple of souffles today, which was quite fun and an interesting new experience.  It’s kind of amazing how freaking big egg whites can get if you whip them long enough.  Like holy crap.  I’m still pretty surprised at how such a small volume of ingredients turned into enough batter to fill two 14oz. ramekins.  The finished product was quite good, too, though next time I will have to prepare them closer to dessert time (since apparently they’re supposed to be served immediately).  Still, it was really fun to try baking something I never had before, and I can’t wait to try it again with a difference recipe.  The one I used today was for lemon souffles, but I’ve got another one bookmarked for a strawberry souffle, which frankly sound extremely delicious.

Other than that, I haven’t been up to much today.  I will carry on with the Doctor Who Review tomorrow, though, with coverage of last week’s episode, “Cold War.”

(79/260)

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