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Archive for December, 2013

All things considered, I probably should not have done NaNoWriMo this year. I have just not had my head in the game as far as writing is concerned this year, and while my depression is usually in a tauntingly close holding pattern, it likes to swoop down on me when I least expect it. I was not in any fit state to write fifty thousand words of any story, but some pig-headed part of me insisted that I had to. This was my tenth outing; I had won every year previous to this, every year since I’d found out about NaNo and decided to join in. I had to do this. One more time if nothing else. For old time’s sake.

I wrote about my whole struggle to decide on here, as you may recall. I settled on a story–a rehash/rewrite of my 2008 novel, Luna, which I rechristened as Daughter of the Sun–and on November 1, I wrote…

…nothing.

This was actually pretty much how I sloped through the month. I would slack off, try to catch up and fail miserably, and then spend the next several days moping about how behind I was and how I was never going to catch up. If you look at my profile on the NaNo site, you will see that my word count rises in fits and starts, and only when I really wanted it to. (You will note that, in the end, I REALLY wanted it to.)

Looking back, I can’t even say what I actually doing with that time. I know I spent the vast majority of it in bed, either fooling around on the internet or sleeping or just laying there and feeling bad about everything I possibly could. This is what depression does, especially when you give yourself another thing to not do and to feel bad about not doing. Sometimes I opened up my novel and sort of looked at it, but I didn’t work on it. I occasionally lurked off to the library to write words in bursts of a thousand or so (by hand, even!), but as the end of the month drew nearer, I was stalled somewhere around 15k.

I don’t know what finally lit the fire under my ass. It was probably the floating spectre of FAILURE hanging over my head like the nasty sign it’s been to me since middle school. I have done my level best to avoid being A Failure for years, and I wasn’t going to let 15k be the best I could muster for my tenth NaNoWriMo.

So I wrote. And then I didn’t write for a couple of days.

And then I did that exact thing over again, and just for funsies I had a huge, depressing cryfest that didn’t help anything, because there’s just nothing like trying to write and not being able to because your body feels weird and the words aren’t coming, and the words that do come don’t fit together and your fingers won’t obey your thoughts. And so on. (Getting yelled at also doesn’t help.)

I wrote a lot the day before Thanksgiving, then nothing at all on the actual day–which would make sense, except that we didn’t actually have Thanksgiving dinner until Friday. (There was a scheduling snafu. Irrelevant.) And on Friday I wrote nearly ten thousand words.

I was at 36k at midnight on November 30th, and at 11:59pm, I had reached 50k. It was, in so many words, one hell of a day. I even had an underdog-y sort of moment with just a few hours ago, after I’d accidentally had one of my trademarked Accidental Naps and felt like I couldn’t surmount the words I needed to reach that much vaunted goal. And then I did it anyway.

There was probably a better way to write this, but since I’ve stopped keeping a journal (to my own dismay, believe me), I don’t really have a detailed log of my days. Things happened, and more things happened, and against all odds and some well respected areas of reason, I won the day.

And that’s all that matters.

(202/260)

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It snowed and iced over the weekend, which I think I talked about before. The ground is more or less still covered, though the main roads are clear. It’s still really freaking cold outside, though, which made clearing my car off this afternoon a bit of an adventure. I should have wrapped up in a scarf as well as my coat and hat, because my face was a little chapped afterwards. It took half an hour to smack and brush and scrape all the ice off my car, though it was kind of fun to break a layer of ice and discovered snow powdering underneath it. It all got brushed onto the ground, though, because I had places to go.

I meant to do more today than I actually got around to. This is mostly because I am lazy. The day isn’t over yet, but I’m not sure I want to go and do anything else after all. There’s always tomorrow, isn’t there? Another day to sleep and waste away, and I get to the end of it wondering where the hell I messed up. (I messed up by being in bed, by slumping down the pillows until I was laying there, feeling tired, and so I took my glasses off and burrowed into the pillow and slept.) I spend more time twittering over whether I should do something that I often end up doing nothing at all.

That got unexpectedly depressing.

I could make it more depressing by going on and on and on about what I’m not doing, but you didn’t come here for that. My next entry, later tonight, will not be depressing. Or maybe it will be depressing in a different way, I don’t know. I am just banging these out without any sort of preparation, because I told myself I was going to write 260 entries and I am /so damn close/ that I am not going to let it slip away from me. Let me do this one thing, let me accomplish this simple thing that is, okay, maybe not so simple as it seems this late in the year. But I’m going to try anyway.

Maybe I will write entries on all those things I said I would. I don’t know. But I’m going to keep talking about stuff, repeatedly, until the end of the year. And maybe–hopefully–I’ll hit that magic number.

(201/260)

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Moving House

So my parents are buying a house. It’s supposed to be all official and everything next week, though I suppose that something could go wrong between now and then and we wouldn’t get it, but it seems kind of unlikely. In addition to getting this new house, my parents also want to be more or less moved in by Christmas.

To say that we are even half ready to move out of our current rental house is… kind of laughable. I’ve half heartedly packed up my movies and some notebooks and other miscellaneous crap that I don’t really use in the day to day. My hundreds (well, probably not hundreds) of books haven’t gone anywhere, nor all my clothes (half of which I don’t even wear anymore). To say nothing of all my furniture.

Moving a fraction of my crap to make the dorms livable at college was one thing, but nothing quite drives home how much useless crap you’ve accumulated like having to pack all of it up. You have to touch everything, hold it in your hands and weigh its value. Am I really going to need this? Am I ever going to use it or refer to it at all? Should I just bin it and move on to the next thing? I’ve already had this conversation a few times, and I’ll likely have it several more before I get everything put away and ready to go.

It’s not like I haven’t moved before, but at the same time it kind of is. The last time we packed up and moved house, I was six years old and in the first grade. We have lived in this house for seventeen and a half years. It has accumulated the detritus of three kids getting muscled through the school system. The carpets are worn, the walls are in need of paint. The only room in the house that really looks all right is the kitchen, and that’s because it was redone almost six years ago. The house was built at the turn of the 20th century, and the last nearly two decades of occupance shows, in some places rather a lot.

And we’re moving. I went with my parents a month and a half ago when they went to see this new house. It isn’t totally new–it was built in the ’80s–but it’s so much newer than where we’re living. I’m going to have to figure out how to occupy a much smaller room than I have before. I’m going to have to learn how to cook on a gas stove. I’m going to have to learn to find my way around in the dark all over again.

It’s going to be strange enough learning to live in a new house. And I still have to pack. At any rate, I suppose I will keep things posted on this whole situation, as long as it’s developing. There might even be pictures.

(200/260)

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This is a Post on My Blog

To be honest, one thing you should have learned from me over the last year is that when I say I’m going to start writing entries more often, I am probably lying. Though all things considered, this is somehow going to turn out to not be one of those times. Wait and see, I suppose.

This entry isn’t about anything particular, just a sort of journal entry or stream of consciousness something or other. It snowed a lot today, with some sleet and freezing rain thrown in for good measure. The world outside is white and lovely, though I feel the effect is kind of spoiled by leaves and grass poking through the unsullied surface. I don’t think it’s likely to last outside of the weekend, either, but I’ll enjoy it as long as I can. (And hey, the messy roads are a good excuse to just stay in the house for a few days and not feel guilty about it.)

I am still going to write entries about the things I said in my previous entry, whenever that was. I might even write some of them today. Or tomorrow, rather. Time is sometimes a strange construct, and it’s been somewhat skewed for me all week. I didn’t get any sleep one night. I don’t know how much I’m going to get tonight. I really need to start keeping a sleep journal or something. I’ve tried that a couple of times, actually, and I’ve always fallen out of the habit. (I have often thought the same thing about keeping a dream journal, though my problem is that I usually get up and going straight away, and thus forget what I was dreaming about in the first place. Though I’ve noticed that the Disneyland of my dreams is always the same, though it’s also a lot more elaborate and cool.)

I need to start packing. I keep packing up all the things I don’t need, like bits of knick-knackery and so forth that won’t be helpful to unpack at first at all, but are still what I can afford to pack at the moment. Though at my current reading rate, I might as well start packing up my books, because they’re certainly not doing anything at the moment. But then again, there is the issue of having enough boxes for it all, and that makes me stay my hand again.

Tomorrow (or today, even) I am going to watch some Doctor Who and actually write some reviews and get those posted. I am going to finish up with Matt Smith’s run by the year’s end, I swear. That is a thing that is going to happen, somehow. Hell or high water and all that stuff. Come Christmas or New Year’s, I am going to get this stuff done.

Somehow.

(199/260)

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Apologies (again) for abandoning you all (yet again) for… well over a month. Things have been happening in my life, though by and large they are unexciting things like depression and anxiety. And let’s be honest, I’ve already talked about those enough on here, so there isn’t much point in regaling you with the gory details again. Particularly since that’s about as depressing as my actual experience was, and I don’t feel inclined to relive it for you all.

Rather than spending a lot of time talking about what I’ve been doing and not doing, I think I am going to split things up into multiple entries. Just sort of, you know, spread the love. And also pad out my total number of entries for the year, since I need about three a day in order to hit my intended number of two hundred and sixty. Or 260; sorry, doing intensive last-minute NaNoWriMo makes the word padder in you really come out.

So, some of the exciting topics you will see from me in the coming days and weeks include:

  • My parents bought a house. (Or will have, in a week and a half.) This means packing, and going through all the crap I have accumulated after living in this house for seventeen years.
  • I just saw Frozen tonight and OH MAN GUYS I GOTTA TALK ABOUT THIS MOVIE AT YOU.
  • I got Pokemon X and my own 3DS for my birthday, so guess what I’ve been doing in half my spare moments. (I am trying to complete the region ‘dex for the first time ever, and I am actually pretty sure I’m going to do it. Once I work out some particular kinks regarding legendary birds, anyway…)
  • As I mentioned above, I did NaNoWriMo again this year, which I believe I talked about a little in October. It was kind of hard to write while in the middle of a crushing depression, but I managed to finish it just under the wire. By writing 14,000 words in twenty-four hours.
  • Also the long-awaited return of Doctor Who Review! I am going to get through everything up to and including this year’s Christmas special and last month’s 50th Anniversary Special (which I LOVED, by the way).
  • And probably more and other stuff that I will think of later!

(198/260)

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